God, are you there??

God, are you there? Those are the words that lingered in my mind as I lay in the hospital bed November 29th, 2007. I had just had surgery the day before to remove the cancer that had been found on my right kidney. I was so cold that evening and I was in agony. Everything they gave me to try and ease the pain made me sick. I had been moved by the window to make room for the new patient and a curtain was pulled between us so I could no longer see any of the staff passing by the door. I had and IV in my left hand and a drain tube on the right side of my body with a little balloon at the end , which I was apparently laying on the whole time, every small movement put pressure on the balloon, which sent excruciating pain through my body. It was nearly impossible to turn to grab the intercom and push the button for help, after one attempt it fell on the floor and i could not reach it.

As I lay in the bed shivering , I could feel pressure in my lungs when I would try to breath and feel a weird gurgling sensation, it felt like it was taking over my lungs. I was unable to sit up on my own to try and breath better and I couldn't call for help. I thought I was going to die alone and cold in the hospital bed. I felt complete despair. I raised my right hand up on my pillow and opened it asking God to hold my hand. I felt nothing, I felt abandoned. As I turned my head to look out the window I noticed snow had started to fall which made me feel even colder. I was certain it was the last snow I would see. I felt such despair that for a fleeting moment I thought if I die am I even going to go to heaven. I knew I had known Jesus as my Savior since I accepted him into my heart at the age of nine, and I had always believed with all my heart, and I knew he loved me, but at that moment all I could think of was what if I have really blown it one too many times in my life, even though in my heart I knew what scripture said.

A few moments later I remembered the church service I had been in almost two weeks earlier. We were standing in silence after we finished singing the last worship song. I stood there quietly praying to myself and expressing my feelings about everything to God. A few minutes later a women a few rows over to the left starting speaking in tongues. I didn't know her very well and found myself doubting that it may be genuine and that she might just be doing it to draw attention to herself. As soon as she was done another women interpreted what she just prayed, and I couldn't believe it when everything she said was just what I prayed minutes before. Word for Word! God definitely had my attention. As I stood there thinking about what just happened a friend behind me gave a prophetic  word. I don't remember what all she said , but the part I will never forget is when she said that we are Gods children and that we have his DNA, The moment she said that it felt like a bolt of lightening came through the ceiling and struck me in the neck and shot down through my body. I immediately felt my body fill with a warmth and peace to an extent I had never felt before. It felt like it was overflowing. I stood there with tears streaming down my cheeks realizing how much the depth of the Lords love for us was and that we are his children and we do have his DNA.

About four months after the surgery I was having a really rough day, so much had happened in a short period of time, Kens cousin had died while deployed overseas, his dad died two weeks after I got out of the hospital, pastor Dale died three days after I got home from the hospital and our brother in law Ken died the following month. The heaviness we felt was almost unbearable from the losses. On top of it one of our vehicles broke down along with the dishwasher and  our dryer. it felt like life was kicking us in the butt from every direction. While driving to my mothers to drop of our youngest child I was talking to my husband in the car and told him that I could not handle one more thing or I would mentally snap. Within five minutes after saying that my husbands cell phone rang. He answered and was listening intently  for a minute and then I saw the look of dread wash over his face and in a very grieved tone of voice he said "Oh no". When I heard his reply I knew something was really wrong. I started instantly feeling anxiety, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes . I didn't want to know what it was. I couldn't take anymore!

I went to bed that night laying there quietly crying and praying, just feeling so exhausted. I fell asleep soon after and had a dream that changed my whole situation. In my dream I was walking along a path and there was a women walking with me. She said it is almost time for you to give birth. I said I can't give birth, I have had cancer and have had all these health problems. I am not healthy enough for that, and she said those things don't matter anymore. She said we had to cross over the bridge, and I said I wanted to stay here in my town and give birth. She told me there was no room for me here, and that I had to go. I wanted my husband to go across the bridge with me to give birth but he could not go he was unavailable, I wanted my parents to go but they also were unable to go, I was told they were still sleeping. The ones that made me feel secure I could not take with me. Soon I was walking on this path completely alone. As I continued to walk I felt like I could no longer keep my feet planted on the ground. I started to float up like the grandpa and Charlie in Willy Wonka when they drank the fizzy lifting drinks. Soon my feet were no longer on the ground . I drifted up and was hanging on the edge of a very small limb.

As I hung on the limb and looked all around for help there was no one, I was completely alone. I could feel myself slipping and I was scared. I looked down and saw Jesus approaching me , he walked over and reached up and gently took my hand and pulled me down. He proceeded to walk down the path with me  towards the bridge. as we walked I could feel bags accumulating on my shoulders, there were big bags, small bags, medium size bags. there were so many and they became so heavy I could no longer walk,I had to stop. Jesus was still holding my hand, with his other hand he reached over and took the biggest bag off  of my shoulder and he bent down a little and slung it over his neck and had it on his back, within moments all of my bags left my shoulder and went into the big bag he was carrying, and I felt as light as a feather. He carried it all on his back and I was so light I felt like I could skip. He continued to hold my hand while we walked towards the bridge. Soon it became pitch black and I could not see him anymore, I felt panicked, but in an instant I felt his hand gently pulling me through the dark. I could not see where I was going, but he was guiding me. I woke up right after that, and I lay there crying realizing we were never created to carry all our burdens, that's why we feel overwhelmed and stuck and in despair. We have to give it over to him daily to carry for us, so we can walk in freedom .

As weeks passed after the dream, I began to find myself wondering was that really from you God? Or am I reading into things? There were a couple of revival meetings coming up and on the one occasion I had a horrible migraine, and just did not want to move. I was so tired of my health keeping me from stuff that I decided to go anyway and I told God that I felt horrible , but I was going expecting to receive from him. I don't know what I was expecting at that point, but a break through of any kind would do. After heading to the meeting  I started to notice shortly after getting there my headache started to let up, but the part that really stuck with me was the women that called me up after, She said the Lord told her He was going to use me to reach people and that I did not have to be afraid, and that Jesus would be holding my hand the whole way, and that he would also heal me. When I left the meeting. I thought about the dream I had , Jesus was holding my hand there too, I hadn't told others about the dream, maybe it really was from God.

A week later I went to the second revival meeting at another church. The speaker was a man from out of town, and I had never heard of him. As I was sitting there he stopped talking and looked in my direction and said ,you in the red shirt with the brown eyes, the Lord has something he wants me to say to you after the service. I felt instant anxiety, I slowly looked around hoping and praying to God someone else around me had a red shirt on. Nope! I looked back at him and slowly nodded. At the end of the service I reluctantly walked up to him. He looked at me straight in the eyes and said, the Lord said he is going to birth something in you, not right now , but soon. Does that mean anything to you? My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. I managed to choke out the word "Yes". He pushed the microphone towards my hand I felt like I was beginning to hyperventilate, and like all the blood was going to rush to my head. It was the last thing I wanted, I knew I should have ran out the door when service was over. I slowly and reluctantly wrapped my fingers around the microphone. As soon as I had a full grip on the microphone I felt the presence of God sweep over me in such a way I did not want to move or ever have it leave. It was so peaceful.and gentle. I turned around and was able to share my dream with out any fear. For those that know me well, know that I hate to be up front. I have always preferred to be a behind the scenes person. ( my comfort zone).

A week after that last meeting I was sitting at the table one morning getting ready to eat my breakfast I flipped open my bible and glanced down to see where it opened to so I could navigate to where I had left off at, and the first verse that caught my eye when I looked down was Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.. 
I immediately thought back to my stay in the hospital when I had my right hand up on the pillow and felt afraid and abandoned, I thought back to my CT scan when I was laying on the table. The IV for the dye was in my left arm, and I was scared to find out the results and I had my right hand held out open on my pillow asking God to take hold of it because I was scared of the outcome . I thought back to the dream where Jesus was holding my hand, also to the revival meeting where the women said Jesus would hold my hand as he lead me to reach people. I felt like the Lord was reassuring me, that he had been there the whole time when I was scared, and that he will continue to be there no matter what journey he leads us on. We are never alone and we have to lay down all our fears, and burdens so that we can walk in freedom and have the peace that He desires us to have.

I have not wrote on my blog for a long time, and hadn't really planned to, but after a conversation two weeks ago with a young girl that had been in Children's church I was leading a while back, I have not been able to get it off my mind. I ran into her after not seeing her for a while, she ran over and gave me a hug and said I remember a story you told me. I said , oh which one was it? Thinking it would be a bible story. She said , I remember you telling me the story about the glass blowing up and how God protected you.  I forgot I had shared that story with the kids after one of the lessons that talked about fear. I had been making clam chowder and coconut shrimp. I had just pushed the clam chowder to the back burner to simmer, and had put a 9x13 Pyrex dish on the front burner with napkins in it, to soak up grease from the coconut shrimp I was frying. I noticed a hot smell and realized I turned on the wrong burner . The paper towel was turning brown from getting hot. I grabbed a pot holder in each hand and picked up the glass and held it in front of my eyes looking to see if the paper towel was stuck.

As I was staring at the dish, all I remember was the sound of glass exploding. I looked at my hands and there was nothing left in them. Ken came running down the hall, because he heard it from the room. My son was standing by the sink and had a little blood trickling down the back of his leg where he got hit. I looked all around , the kitchen was covered in tiny shards of glass. I looked down to see how much I had on me. There was NONE!! except for a tiny piece of glass dangling from my bangs in front of my eyes. We stood there in disbelief. I had flip flops on , and had glass in front of me, behind me, on my right and on my left, there was a basket of vitamins and medicine on the counter next to me and the bottles were covered in tiny shards of glass stuck in them like spears and also melted on to them. Glass covered the stove , all the counters. I kept finding pieces of glass for almost a month. I should have been burned and badly cut, but God spared me!! It was like I had an invisible shield around me.

 I had always lived with a lot of fear. I had a lot of bad things happen through out my life and was always on edge worried about the next bad thing. I felt like God never spared from pain, and so I had to always be on guard to watch out for myself and my family. After the glass blew up and he spared me I realized I did not have to live in constant fear, that I could trust God in any circumstance and that nothing was impossible with him. When that sweet girl reminded me of the story I shared with her, it reminded me that not everything that happens to us is always for us, maybe he lets things in our lives happen whether good or bad happen so we can share it with others to get them through or help increase there faith. I thought about how often God has spoke to us in different ways that has helped get us through, and sometimes we never share it, or maybe with just a select few, for fear of what others may think. I know I have heard many testimonies from others that has encouraged me and gotten me through some tough times over the years. Revelation 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony;and they loved not their lives unto the death.

What is in Your medicine cabinet?

It has been quite a while since my last post, but I felt compelled to write. This last week while reading the Parable of the farmer scattering seed in Luke chapter eight, I thought about the four different kinds of hearts represented in that chapter ( a calloused heart, a shallow heart, a distracted heart and an open heart). Every time I have read that chapter in the past the first thought that comes to my mind is that I have an open heart, but this time I really took a hard look at my life and wondered could it be possible that at times I may fall into other categories? and the conclusion I came to was definitely yes!!

 I can recall many times over the years when my heart has been distracted by health concerns, family issues and growing piles of bills, etc.....and I can honestly say there were many occasions when I spent more time worrying about the situation and trying to figure out how I was going to solve everything instead of leaning on God's word in the middle of what I felt was a crisis at the time. Often when we feel there is no hope or life feels like just too much to bare we self medicate or some may call it escaping. For some it may be actual medication, for others self medicating can come in many forms, even normal things people do everyday ( internet surfing, playing games, shopping , alcohol, eating, and even reading).

 It is the motive behind what we are doing. Are we eating because we are really hungry? or are we eating because we are stressed? Are we surfing the internet because we need to find some necessary information? or are we in front of it for many hours killing time because we are trying to drowned out our thoughts and feelings by looking at information that is not going to change our life one bit. When you self medicate chances are you are still going to feel the same when you are done. What we need to medicate ourselves with is Gods word. it says in Romans 15:4(NLT)⁴ Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.

WE SHALL OVERCOME

   The sun is shining and the birds are chirping, it is a beautiful morning and the Lord has given me another day to serve him. A blessing for sure, but too often it can be a blessing that gets overlooked and little recognition when we get caught up in the busyness of our everyday lives. There are so many other things that consume our thoughts. Our past , how to deal with the present issues at the moment and what our future looks like , seem to be the most common.

   The one that seems to affect many people the most is their past. We can spend a lifetime trying to forget it, trying to forgive others and ourselves or even pretend that it really was not part of our lives. We can't really escape from our thoughts, but we can replace the negative ones with positive ones. We can share our testimony with others who are in bondage or suffering so the Glory of God can be seen through the situation and so that hope can be brought to others.

   In Revelation 12:10 it says they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony;and they loved not their lives unto the death (KJV).......If this is what the word of God tells us than why do we not share more? I am sure there are many reasons we can come up with, but I think one of them is the fear of being so transparent. Will we be looked down on? made fun of? or worse yet REJECTED. It seems to be human nature to think about how we will feel first .When I read that last part in Revelations 12:10 where it says " they loved not their lives unto death",  I would think that would definitely mean putting aside our own feelings.

   Our time is short and there are SO many people around us that are hurting. I think it is time to tear down our walls, be transparent with one another, love each other the way the Lord has commanded us to and share with others where our only source of strength  and hope come from,and that is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ !!!

"The Pitfalls of Fear"

     It has been a while since I wrote, but I have been spending a lot of time thinking and wondering, why do we make God so small? Every day we are given is another blessing from him and another day we can be a blessing to someone else. For some reason in our mind it is easier to make the enemy bigger than our God even though we don't do it intentionally.

     If we allow fear to take over it can wreak havoc on our lives. We can work ourselves into a frenzy and it can be very crippling. It can keep us from having peace and living the life God intended for us. There are so many things I have feared over the years and wasted time and missed out on good things. The closer I am to the Lord the less fears I have , but the enemy knows our week spots and he does not pull any punches.

     I use to worry about everything. When the children were small I would worry that the babysitter would feed them grapes or hot dogs and not cut them small enough and they would choke. If they went swimming with friends I would worry that they might drown and I would be anxious until they returned home, or got back to their friends house. I would worry about what road to take if it was icy out.

     You don't have a whole lot of peace when you let those things consume your mind. I have often wondered where do fears people struggle with come from. Maybe we are worried about dealing with more pain in our lives and we get consumed with spending time on trying to prevent any more. Getting hurt by people can be a big one, especially when you know you have done nothing wrong and have given your all for them and love them dearly.

     We can't let fear of getting hurt again keep us from reaching out to others. It is easy to put up a wall and decide to never trust again, to shut ourselves off from other people , to question weather they genuinely care, to wonder if they will lie about us too for some unknown reason. To fall into depression and to even question the sincerity of those closet to us.

      Pretty soon you find yourself no longer reaching out , the fire and passion you had inside becomes like a tiny smoldering ember. You no longer share your testimony with others and just getting through another day seems like all you can manage to do. Well , if you find yourself in this place you are EXACTLY where the enemy wants you!!

     I once thought in order to trust that you had to feel it and if you didn't feel it than you couldn't trust. I found that if I wait for a feeling than it may never happen. I have learned that sometimes we have to choose to trust even if we are not feeling it, just like choosing to forgive even if we are not feeling it. There is absolutely nothing to big for God !!! If we rely on his strength alone and not our own we will not be defeated and overcome by fear.


For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
~ 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)~



    

    

    

The greatest Christmas present ever

When I woke up this morning I looked over at my closet and thought about how many Christmas presents have been stashed in it over the years. My mother had always stashed our Christmas presents in her closet when we were growing up, and we knew that. I remember the overwhelming urge to peak in the closet and see what we were getting. There were a few years where I gave in to temptation and looked when she was not around. Once I looked, it took away the surprise from it. I remember sitting on the floor as a kid and getting handed my presents and knowing what was in each one just by feeling the package and wishing I had not looked.

If you happen to be reading this blog, Mom, and if I have never confessed this to you, I would like to ask your forgiveness. I learned my lesson! I remember waking up early in the morning before the roosters and sitting on the couch in the dark with my sister with the Christmas tree lights plugged in, just staring at the presents under the tree. We could not wait for Mom and Dad to get up so we could open the presents. Sometimes we would "accidentally"be a little noisy so that they would just happen to wake up early. I remember counting down the days until Christmas and the excitement that I felt that was hard to contain.

That excitement was over material things that would only last a short while. Many of us still get excited over gifts we receive , and that is OK. But the GREATEST gift we have ever received is eternal if we choose to accept it, and that gift is JESUS. We should be more excited about that gift than any other. That gift that has been given is something we can freely share with others and it will last for eternity. One great way to share it is through our actions. We can speak the words, but if love does not show, the words just seem meaningless and empty. After all Jesus was sent to earth because of God's great love for us. There was love behind God's gift, so how can we share God's gift without showing love. ~ 1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ~  Let's see how many people we can share the GREATEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER with!

Finding balance in a crazy world

 It has been exactly 10 months since I posted my last blog. I wonder how many things I would have accomplished in those 10 months had I stuck with my 10 things a day. I am sure it would have been quite a bit. I learned a lot from my 100 day journey and it gave me the confidence to pursue my interests. I went back to school this year after thinking it over for 20 + years. In fact my final exam is due today. Every week I would begin a new unit, and after glancing at it I would wonder what was I thinking? The beginning of each chapter I either knew very little, or I was completely clueless, by the middle of it I seemed to grasp some of it, and by the end of the chapter it all seemed to make sense. It has taught me not to give up, even when things seem too difficult.

This year has been full of many changes, some difficult and some easy. Trying to balance everything out can be a little challenging at times ( spiritual life, family, work, friends, volunteering, hobbies, health, etc...) It seems like something is always getting short changed, especially if you focus too much on one thing, and that one thing is not God. I have learned to stop and evaluate what I am doing when I start gettting burned out or stressed. I have also found when you are not doing the things you are called to do or passionate about you can easily keep tryng to find things to do to bring that same satisfaction, and pretty soon you have too much on your plate and you are still not satisfied.

There are so many reasons why our lives seem to get out of Whack or why we feel overwhelmed.I found over the years the quickest way to feel stressed out is by putting my spiritual life on the bottom of the list. We can't try to squeeze God into our day when we find a little available space for him. He has to be the center of our day. When we put him first , the rest falls into place and things seem to become more clearer. For me it is easy to try to carry the world on my shoulders and that is not my job. I think it also is easy to become obsessed with trying to please people and to try to fix everything, at least for me anyway. That is the quickest way to drive yourself crazy. I have learned there are people you will NEVER please and that I can't fix anything, and that it is OK. It is hard for me to see people unhappy, and somehow I seem to absorb their feelings like a sponge.

I think one thing some of us seem to miss, is taking the time to play. Yes, we have responsibilities as we get older, but I think it is also important to have some fun. When you really think about it many of us were healthier as children than we are now. Sure, age definitley plays a very big part in it, but we also took time to have fun and spent more time outdoors. We still had to go school, we had chores and homework, but we made time for fun, we hung out with friends, went swimming, built forts in the woods, went camping, picked berries ,went roller skating, played games and went to family reunions. They now seem to be just fond memories, but we can make new ones with our children and grandchildren. How many times have you ran into an old friend or family member and have  promised to get together and not let so much time slip by again, but somehow everyone gets so busy and it doesn't happen, and then if the person moves far away, or worse yet if they pass away, we kick ourselves in the butt and regret not making the time.

Why live with so many regrets? If we even pick one or two evenings or a Saturday a month to specifically plan to spend time with someone we seldom see, or to just have fun, I think it would make a difference. Well, it is time to study for my final exam, pray for me!

 

Day 100

Yeah , I made it !!!! 100 days felt like a long time. I am still very thankful I decided to try this.I could not have made it without God's help and the encouragement and support from my family and friends.ThankYou!!!!!!!! I thought this would be just a little experiment to see if I could get things in order doing a little at a time , instead of my all or nothing approach to everything. It ended up being so much more than that.

After spending so many years feeling overwhelmed and having so many regrets about not finishing things. I can now say with great joy IT IS GONE !!! and I no longer think I can do all things through Christ. I know I can do all things through Christ.Those negative thoughts I had telling me I can't do something are no longer there. I will not do ten things for ten minutes everyday now. But I will do extra things every day and I will finish what I started. I don't want to quit just because my experiment is done.

Through this I have also learned what things are important to me and what things really don't matter. I have also learned the importance of perseverance and how to no longer let a bad day or a small challenge stop me from pushing forward and achieving my goals. I have also learned the importance of accountability and what a big difference it really can make and how necessary it is.I feel extremely blessed by all the wonderful people God has placed in my life. I can't say thank you enough :) God Bless You All !!!

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. ECCLESIASTES 4: 9-12