God, are you there??

God, are you there? Those are the words that lingered in my mind as I lay in the hospital bed November 29th, 2007. I had just had surgery the day before to remove the cancer that had been found on my right kidney. I was so cold that evening and I was in agony. Everything they gave me to try and ease the pain made me sick. I had been moved by the window to make room for the new patient and a curtain was pulled between us so I could no longer see any of the staff passing by the door. I had and IV in my left hand and a drain tube on the right side of my body with a little balloon at the end , which I was apparently laying on the whole time, every small movement put pressure on the balloon, which sent excruciating pain through my body. It was nearly impossible to turn to grab the intercom and push the button for help, after one attempt it fell on the floor and i could not reach it.

As I lay in the bed shivering , I could feel pressure in my lungs when I would try to breath and feel a weird gurgling sensation, it felt like it was taking over my lungs. I was unable to sit up on my own to try and breath better and I couldn't call for help. I thought I was going to die alone and cold in the hospital bed. I felt complete despair. I raised my right hand up on my pillow and opened it asking God to hold my hand. I felt nothing, I felt abandoned. As I turned my head to look out the window I noticed snow had started to fall which made me feel even colder. I was certain it was the last snow I would see. I felt such despair that for a fleeting moment I thought if I die am I even going to go to heaven. I knew I had known Jesus as my Savior since I accepted him into my heart at the age of nine, and I had always believed with all my heart, and I knew he loved me, but at that moment all I could think of was what if I have really blown it one too many times in my life, even though in my heart I knew what scripture said.

A few moments later I remembered the church service I had been in almost two weeks earlier. We were standing in silence after we finished singing the last worship song. I stood there quietly praying to myself and expressing my feelings about everything to God. A few minutes later a women a few rows over to the left starting speaking in tongues. I didn't know her very well and found myself doubting that it may be genuine and that she might just be doing it to draw attention to herself. As soon as she was done another women interpreted what she just prayed, and I couldn't believe it when everything she said was just what I prayed minutes before. Word for Word! God definitely had my attention. As I stood there thinking about what just happened a friend behind me gave a prophetic  word. I don't remember what all she said , but the part I will never forget is when she said that we are Gods children and that we have his DNA, The moment she said that it felt like a bolt of lightening came through the ceiling and struck me in the neck and shot down through my body. I immediately felt my body fill with a warmth and peace to an extent I had never felt before. It felt like it was overflowing. I stood there with tears streaming down my cheeks realizing how much the depth of the Lords love for us was and that we are his children and we do have his DNA.

About four months after the surgery I was having a really rough day, so much had happened in a short period of time, Kens cousin had died while deployed overseas, his dad died two weeks after I got out of the hospital, pastor Dale died three days after I got home from the hospital and our brother in law Ken died the following month. The heaviness we felt was almost unbearable from the losses. On top of it one of our vehicles broke down along with the dishwasher and  our dryer. it felt like life was kicking us in the butt from every direction. While driving to my mothers to drop of our youngest child I was talking to my husband in the car and told him that I could not handle one more thing or I would mentally snap. Within five minutes after saying that my husbands cell phone rang. He answered and was listening intently  for a minute and then I saw the look of dread wash over his face and in a very grieved tone of voice he said "Oh no". When I heard his reply I knew something was really wrong. I started instantly feeling anxiety, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes . I didn't want to know what it was. I couldn't take anymore!

I went to bed that night laying there quietly crying and praying, just feeling so exhausted. I fell asleep soon after and had a dream that changed my whole situation. In my dream I was walking along a path and there was a women walking with me. She said it is almost time for you to give birth. I said I can't give birth, I have had cancer and have had all these health problems. I am not healthy enough for that, and she said those things don't matter anymore. She said we had to cross over the bridge, and I said I wanted to stay here in my town and give birth. She told me there was no room for me here, and that I had to go. I wanted my husband to go across the bridge with me to give birth but he could not go he was unavailable, I wanted my parents to go but they also were unable to go, I was told they were still sleeping. The ones that made me feel secure I could not take with me. Soon I was walking on this path completely alone. As I continued to walk I felt like I could no longer keep my feet planted on the ground. I started to float up like the grandpa and Charlie in Willy Wonka when they drank the fizzy lifting drinks. Soon my feet were no longer on the ground . I drifted up and was hanging on the edge of a very small limb.

As I hung on the limb and looked all around for help there was no one, I was completely alone. I could feel myself slipping and I was scared. I looked down and saw Jesus approaching me , he walked over and reached up and gently took my hand and pulled me down. He proceeded to walk down the path with me  towards the bridge. as we walked I could feel bags accumulating on my shoulders, there were big bags, small bags, medium size bags. there were so many and they became so heavy I could no longer walk,I had to stop. Jesus was still holding my hand, with his other hand he reached over and took the biggest bag off  of my shoulder and he bent down a little and slung it over his neck and had it on his back, within moments all of my bags left my shoulder and went into the big bag he was carrying, and I felt as light as a feather. He carried it all on his back and I was so light I felt like I could skip. He continued to hold my hand while we walked towards the bridge. Soon it became pitch black and I could not see him anymore, I felt panicked, but in an instant I felt his hand gently pulling me through the dark. I could not see where I was going, but he was guiding me. I woke up right after that, and I lay there crying realizing we were never created to carry all our burdens, that's why we feel overwhelmed and stuck and in despair. We have to give it over to him daily to carry for us, so we can walk in freedom .

As weeks passed after the dream, I began to find myself wondering was that really from you God? Or am I reading into things? There were a couple of revival meetings coming up and on the one occasion I had a horrible migraine, and just did not want to move. I was so tired of my health keeping me from stuff that I decided to go anyway and I told God that I felt horrible , but I was going expecting to receive from him. I don't know what I was expecting at that point, but a break through of any kind would do. After heading to the meeting  I started to notice shortly after getting there my headache started to let up, but the part that really stuck with me was the women that called me up after, She said the Lord told her He was going to use me to reach people and that I did not have to be afraid, and that Jesus would be holding my hand the whole way, and that he would also heal me. When I left the meeting. I thought about the dream I had , Jesus was holding my hand there too, I hadn't told others about the dream, maybe it really was from God.

A week later I went to the second revival meeting at another church. The speaker was a man from out of town, and I had never heard of him. As I was sitting there he stopped talking and looked in my direction and said ,you in the red shirt with the brown eyes, the Lord has something he wants me to say to you after the service. I felt instant anxiety, I slowly looked around hoping and praying to God someone else around me had a red shirt on. Nope! I looked back at him and slowly nodded. At the end of the service I reluctantly walked up to him. He looked at me straight in the eyes and said, the Lord said he is going to birth something in you, not right now , but soon. Does that mean anything to you? My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. I managed to choke out the word "Yes". He pushed the microphone towards my hand I felt like I was beginning to hyperventilate, and like all the blood was going to rush to my head. It was the last thing I wanted, I knew I should have ran out the door when service was over. I slowly and reluctantly wrapped my fingers around the microphone. As soon as I had a full grip on the microphone I felt the presence of God sweep over me in such a way I did not want to move or ever have it leave. It was so peaceful.and gentle. I turned around and was able to share my dream with out any fear. For those that know me well, know that I hate to be up front. I have always preferred to be a behind the scenes person. ( my comfort zone).

A week after that last meeting I was sitting at the table one morning getting ready to eat my breakfast I flipped open my bible and glanced down to see where it opened to so I could navigate to where I had left off at, and the first verse that caught my eye when I looked down was Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.. 
I immediately thought back to my stay in the hospital when I had my right hand up on the pillow and felt afraid and abandoned, I thought back to my CT scan when I was laying on the table. The IV for the dye was in my left arm, and I was scared to find out the results and I had my right hand held out open on my pillow asking God to take hold of it because I was scared of the outcome . I thought back to the dream where Jesus was holding my hand, also to the revival meeting where the women said Jesus would hold my hand as he lead me to reach people. I felt like the Lord was reassuring me, that he had been there the whole time when I was scared, and that he will continue to be there no matter what journey he leads us on. We are never alone and we have to lay down all our fears, and burdens so that we can walk in freedom and have the peace that He desires us to have.

I have not wrote on my blog for a long time, and hadn't really planned to, but after a conversation two weeks ago with a young girl that had been in Children's church I was leading a while back, I have not been able to get it off my mind. I ran into her after not seeing her for a while, she ran over and gave me a hug and said I remember a story you told me. I said , oh which one was it? Thinking it would be a bible story. She said , I remember you telling me the story about the glass blowing up and how God protected you.  I forgot I had shared that story with the kids after one of the lessons that talked about fear. I had been making clam chowder and coconut shrimp. I had just pushed the clam chowder to the back burner to simmer, and had put a 9x13 Pyrex dish on the front burner with napkins in it, to soak up grease from the coconut shrimp I was frying. I noticed a hot smell and realized I turned on the wrong burner . The paper towel was turning brown from getting hot. I grabbed a pot holder in each hand and picked up the glass and held it in front of my eyes looking to see if the paper towel was stuck.

As I was staring at the dish, all I remember was the sound of glass exploding. I looked at my hands and there was nothing left in them. Ken came running down the hall, because he heard it from the room. My son was standing by the sink and had a little blood trickling down the back of his leg where he got hit. I looked all around , the kitchen was covered in tiny shards of glass. I looked down to see how much I had on me. There was NONE!! except for a tiny piece of glass dangling from my bangs in front of my eyes. We stood there in disbelief. I had flip flops on , and had glass in front of me, behind me, on my right and on my left, there was a basket of vitamins and medicine on the counter next to me and the bottles were covered in tiny shards of glass stuck in them like spears and also melted on to them. Glass covered the stove , all the counters. I kept finding pieces of glass for almost a month. I should have been burned and badly cut, but God spared me!! It was like I had an invisible shield around me.

 I had always lived with a lot of fear. I had a lot of bad things happen through out my life and was always on edge worried about the next bad thing. I felt like God never spared from pain, and so I had to always be on guard to watch out for myself and my family. After the glass blew up and he spared me I realized I did not have to live in constant fear, that I could trust God in any circumstance and that nothing was impossible with him. When that sweet girl reminded me of the story I shared with her, it reminded me that not everything that happens to us is always for us, maybe he lets things in our lives happen whether good or bad happen so we can share it with others to get them through or help increase there faith. I thought about how often God has spoke to us in different ways that has helped get us through, and sometimes we never share it, or maybe with just a select few, for fear of what others may think. I know I have heard many testimonies from others that has encouraged me and gotten me through some tough times over the years. Revelation 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony;and they loved not their lives unto the death.